Remember that movie a few years back called “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”??? Well… here’s the diary of a pissed off white chick… or am I allowed to say that? Maybe it would be better for me to say that this is the diary of an unhappy Caucasian female. Anyway… here it is.
Since when is it bad for a woman to be strong? Since when is it bad to be smart? Since when does being a submissive wife apply to people who are not married? And… for that matter… when does being submissive equate to being weak?
My entire life I have been taught to be strong, to speak my mind, to absorb all of the knowledge that is made available to me, and to never be sorry for who I am. Because I have wonderful parents who have made sure that I learned this lesson very early on in life, these things come naturally to me. Granted, this took some fine tuning. When I was a teenager this “strong woman” attitude often missed its mark. I would show attitude when maybe I shouldn’t have, I would speak up when it was inappropriate, I disrespected people that deserved my respect. As I got older, I learned how to communicate my opinions in a better way.
Now comes the pissed off part. Now, I know I don’t normally get very personal in my blog. I do that on purpose. No one wants to read about my woes. No one wants to hear me talk about what pisses me off or about all of the negative details of my personal life. Today, though, I’m going to do exactly the opposite of what I normally do. This is, after all, my blog… I can do what I want, right?
Most of you know I went through a breakup last week. To be honest, the breakup wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. By the time I actually said the words to him it was incredibly clear that this was the right thing to do. Because it was so clear, there wasn’t as much pain involved. There was no “what if” feeling.
Yesterday he called me up to tell me that he was sorry and that he never wanted things to turn out this way. We actually had a very nice talk about the events that lead up to our breakup. I knew we wouldn’t be getting back together, but I felt like this was a good talk that allowed us both a bit of closure.
Ready for this? Here it comes…. At the end of the conversation he said to me that he thinks I’m very smart and that he feels that I am a strong woman and I’m never going to change. I confirmed to him that he was absolutely right – I wasn’t ever going to change. That is who I am and I like who I am. I told him that I wasn’t going to change that about myself and that I would never dumb myself down for him or for anyone else.
Think that was bad? It gets better! After that, he said to me “Katie: that is not God’s intention for your life.” SERIOUSLY?!?! First of all, how does he know what God’s intention is for my life? Second, since when does God not appreciate strong intelligent women? What about Ruth? What about Mary Magdalene? What about Sarah? Hannah? Abigail? Esther? All of these women were strong, capable, intelligent, and spoke their minds. Of the women that I have listed that were married were all obediently submissive to their husbands.
God’s plan for me is not for me to be weak. It is not for me to be stupid. God’s plan for me is yet to be seen in its entirety. If I marry again someday, his plan will involve me being submissive to my husband. This does not mean that I will need to dumb myself down or become weak. This does not mean that I will need to go against my gut. This means that, if the time comes, I will discuss issues with my future husband and raise any objections that I have. We will discuss issues like the intelligent adults that we are and when the time comes to make a decision I will obediently follow my husband.
Submission is a choice. If it weren’t, it would be something that is done out of stupidity, ignorance, or apathy. To assume that as a woman my position in life is to be meek is offensive! Like I said, I don’t often make these about negative things in my personal life, but this time was a little over the top. Thank God not all men are like this! I suppose the one good thing that came out of this outrageous conversation is that I now have a great lesson to teach my daughter someday. So there it is: my diary. My pissed off, totally raw, unapologetic diary.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
907,200 Seconds
My daughter is going to see her dad soon. He and I are divorced and he lived about 2,000 miles away from us. Every other major holiday and every summer, she flies to spend time with her dad. It's time again for her to go visit him for the summer.
She normally goes for 7 weeks, but this year she will only be visiting for 5 1/2 weeks. I am happy and sad at the same time about this. Of course I'm happy to have my daughter for a longer period of time this summer. Most summers I have one week in June and a week and a half in August with her. I am so happy to have more time with her. We've never had a real summer break together, so this summer I have been trying to make it as great as I can!
My daughter went to summer day camp for the first time this year. I remember some of my best summer memories being at summer day camp. I'm so glad that she got to experience this. She wants to go back when she gets back from her dad's house. I'm so happy that I have the extra time with her so that she could do this!
We've gone to movies, gone to theme parks, gone out for ice cream, and had lots of play dates. This is something we don't normally get to do in the time between school getting out and her flying to visit her dad. We don't normally have time for these things because we have to shift from school mode to travel mode so quickly. I am so happy that I have gotten a chance to experience what summer is to her!
It makes me sad that she is going for less time, too, though. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad. I want her to really know him. I realize how important it is for a daughter to have a father in her life. At the same time, I am not ignorant to the challenges posed by the distance between our homes. If she sees him for a few weeks in the summer and on alternating holidays..... is that enough? Will she get to know him? Will he get to know her? These are things I worry about.
I recognize the emotional hole that is left in a fatherless daughter and, while I thankfully am not the parent of a fatherless daughter, I worry about how much of an impact he does or does not have on her life. I want her to have the feeling that her dad is always there, is her protector, is her provider. When the time comes for her to get married someday, I want her to know her dad well enough to ask him to walk her down the isle. I'm by no means saying that she doesn't know her dad - she does. I just worry.
I also want her to have a clear idea of what to look for in a husband. I want her to look for a husband who is emotionally present, can provide for her emotionally and financially, and loves God. Little girls get their first view of their husbands from their fathers. What will she learn from hers if she only sees him a few weeks out of each year? If she talked to him regularly or did video chats, this may not be as much of a concern, but unfortunately this doesn't happen.
Aside from that, my daughter has a half sister in Illinois. Unfortunately, my ex husband and his girlfriend broke up recently, so the half sister no longer lives with him. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her sister. I want them to grow up knowing each other. I loved the relationship that my daughter had with her "stepmom" (as she called her). I hope that that relationship continues.
I know that it is only a week and a half less than usual, but that's 32 less meals that they will eat together. That's 10 less times that she will be tucked into bed by her dad and 10 less times she will wake up feeling secure and loved in his home. This is 252 less hours together; 15,120 minutes less; 907,200 seconds less; countless memories less. I want her to be with me as much as possible, of course, but that is a purely selfish desire. I don't want her to live with him full time. I don't even necessarily want her to visit more often. I'm not really sure what I want. I just know that my heart aches for her.
She normally goes for 7 weeks, but this year she will only be visiting for 5 1/2 weeks. I am happy and sad at the same time about this. Of course I'm happy to have my daughter for a longer period of time this summer. Most summers I have one week in June and a week and a half in August with her. I am so happy to have more time with her. We've never had a real summer break together, so this summer I have been trying to make it as great as I can!
My daughter went to summer day camp for the first time this year. I remember some of my best summer memories being at summer day camp. I'm so glad that she got to experience this. She wants to go back when she gets back from her dad's house. I'm so happy that I have the extra time with her so that she could do this!
We've gone to movies, gone to theme parks, gone out for ice cream, and had lots of play dates. This is something we don't normally get to do in the time between school getting out and her flying to visit her dad. We don't normally have time for these things because we have to shift from school mode to travel mode so quickly. I am so happy that I have gotten a chance to experience what summer is to her!
It makes me sad that she is going for less time, too, though. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad. I want her to really know him. I realize how important it is for a daughter to have a father in her life. At the same time, I am not ignorant to the challenges posed by the distance between our homes. If she sees him for a few weeks in the summer and on alternating holidays..... is that enough? Will she get to know him? Will he get to know her? These are things I worry about.
I recognize the emotional hole that is left in a fatherless daughter and, while I thankfully am not the parent of a fatherless daughter, I worry about how much of an impact he does or does not have on her life. I want her to have the feeling that her dad is always there, is her protector, is her provider. When the time comes for her to get married someday, I want her to know her dad well enough to ask him to walk her down the isle. I'm by no means saying that she doesn't know her dad - she does. I just worry.
I also want her to have a clear idea of what to look for in a husband. I want her to look for a husband who is emotionally present, can provide for her emotionally and financially, and loves God. Little girls get their first view of their husbands from their fathers. What will she learn from hers if she only sees him a few weeks out of each year? If she talked to him regularly or did video chats, this may not be as much of a concern, but unfortunately this doesn't happen.
Aside from that, my daughter has a half sister in Illinois. Unfortunately, my ex husband and his girlfriend broke up recently, so the half sister no longer lives with him. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her sister. I want them to grow up knowing each other. I loved the relationship that my daughter had with her "stepmom" (as she called her). I hope that that relationship continues.
I know that it is only a week and a half less than usual, but that's 32 less meals that they will eat together. That's 10 less times that she will be tucked into bed by her dad and 10 less times she will wake up feeling secure and loved in his home. This is 252 less hours together; 15,120 minutes less; 907,200 seconds less; countless memories less. I want her to be with me as much as possible, of course, but that is a purely selfish desire. I don't want her to live with him full time. I don't even necessarily want her to visit more often. I'm not really sure what I want. I just know that my heart aches for her.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Raising a generation of intellectuals
My daughter came to me last week and said to me "Mom, if our visual receptors are blue, red, and green how do we see yellow? You can't make yellow with blue, red, green, or anything else. You can't just make yellow, mom!"
This sounds like a logical thought process for a teenager who is studying biology for the first time, right? If you're learning about these new parts of your body that you never knew existed and you have a basic knowledge of what primary colors are this is a pretty logical sequence of thoughts.
The thing is: she's not a teenager learning biology for the first time. She's not a teenager at all. She's 7 and in second grade. She's learning how to spell "department" and how many vertexes a pyramid has. She's thriving in Girl Scouts and learning how to work out problems with her friends. She's playing barbies on the weekend and learning how to ride a bike.
So now the question is: if she's capable of this level of though, what else is she capable of? Are we failing our children by not giving them enough of a challenge or are we pushing them harder than they should be pushed? If she's capable of understanding specific functions of the human brain, what other cognitive processes have we left untapped in our children?
Other countries teach their children foreign language in elementary school. By the time these children get to high school they have learned enough about academics to begin pursuing career options and higher education. Are we failing our children in the United States by not affording them these same options? Clearly, children are capable of more than we give them credit for.
Furthermore, are we hurting our future generations by not allowing them to keep up with the higher level of academics that are seen in so many other countries? The more my daughter learns and grows the more I realize what she is capable of, which is a far cry from what we as parents challenge our children to achieve. In two or three or four generations, will we still be teaching the same level of academics that we are teaching in our schools now, meanwhile watching global academia advance? We are being outsmarted in the areas of science and technology as we speak, and that will only hurt us in the long run.
If we do not come up with advanced technology, what will fuel our military efforts? What will we export to other countries if we do not have the level of intellect that seems to come naturally to people raised in other countries? If we are behind in academics, we will be behind in everything that is to follow academics. Our rivets will not be as riveting. Our vehicles will not be as economical or as technologically advanced. If we do have a prayer of succeeding, we'll have to hire minds from other countries - wait we already do that! Is this a sign of what is to come?
Clearly our children are capable of more than we have challenged them to become. Why not challenge them to grow? If the schools won't do it, why won't the parents? Why has there not been a "call to arms" for our children? Soccer moms will fight to get their children on a specif team - I know this because I watch this behavior every day - but they won't fight to get better education? We'll fight for whether the child has a black or a blue jersey, but not for whether our country ends up black and blue from the thoughtlessness of future generations? Where is our cognitive process there?
This sounds like a logical thought process for a teenager who is studying biology for the first time, right? If you're learning about these new parts of your body that you never knew existed and you have a basic knowledge of what primary colors are this is a pretty logical sequence of thoughts.
The thing is: she's not a teenager learning biology for the first time. She's not a teenager at all. She's 7 and in second grade. She's learning how to spell "department" and how many vertexes a pyramid has. She's thriving in Girl Scouts and learning how to work out problems with her friends. She's playing barbies on the weekend and learning how to ride a bike.
So now the question is: if she's capable of this level of though, what else is she capable of? Are we failing our children by not giving them enough of a challenge or are we pushing them harder than they should be pushed? If she's capable of understanding specific functions of the human brain, what other cognitive processes have we left untapped in our children?
Other countries teach their children foreign language in elementary school. By the time these children get to high school they have learned enough about academics to begin pursuing career options and higher education. Are we failing our children in the United States by not affording them these same options? Clearly, children are capable of more than we give them credit for.
Furthermore, are we hurting our future generations by not allowing them to keep up with the higher level of academics that are seen in so many other countries? The more my daughter learns and grows the more I realize what she is capable of, which is a far cry from what we as parents challenge our children to achieve. In two or three or four generations, will we still be teaching the same level of academics that we are teaching in our schools now, meanwhile watching global academia advance? We are being outsmarted in the areas of science and technology as we speak, and that will only hurt us in the long run.
If we do not come up with advanced technology, what will fuel our military efforts? What will we export to other countries if we do not have the level of intellect that seems to come naturally to people raised in other countries? If we are behind in academics, we will be behind in everything that is to follow academics. Our rivets will not be as riveting. Our vehicles will not be as economical or as technologically advanced. If we do have a prayer of succeeding, we'll have to hire minds from other countries - wait we already do that! Is this a sign of what is to come?
Clearly our children are capable of more than we have challenged them to become. Why not challenge them to grow? If the schools won't do it, why won't the parents? Why has there not been a "call to arms" for our children? Soccer moms will fight to get their children on a specif team - I know this because I watch this behavior every day - but they won't fight to get better education? We'll fight for whether the child has a black or a blue jersey, but not for whether our country ends up black and blue from the thoughtlessness of future generations? Where is our cognitive process there?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I Can't Plan Life!
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so we can have the life that's waiting for us."
I saw this on Twitter today and re-tweeted it. I didn't think much more than "Wow, how inspiring" at first glance.... but then it sank in a bit more.
Somehow we all have this big idea of what our life is supposed to look like. I am guilty of this in an extreme way. I am such a planner. I try to plan every little aspect of my life so that I am not caught off guard. I generally don't like surprises, unless it's something that fits into the box I've made for my life.
Life doesn't really fit into a box, though, does it? I mean, you can't plan the fact that you might get stopped at two extra red lights on your way to work. You can't plan that you might get in a car accident. You can't plan for a death, or to fall in love. You just can't plan everything, even though you (or I) may try. I'm still not sure how to go about changing this, but what seems like it would be logical for some reason isn't to me. It's almost a disconnect.... a control issue, I'm sure.
I feel like if I can just control all the little things in my life I can prevent them from going wrong. I know this isn't true. Bad things happen; things I will never be able to plan for. Good things happen too, though, and if I spend my time planning what I think my life should be I may just miss the good things.
Sure, I may spare myself some heartache and stress by planning ahead to prevent failure, but I'll miss the lesson along the way. How do I know what's around the corner? I don't! And if I keep trying to predict it, I may walk around the corner and stare the next big thing in my life right in the face without even realizing it.
I saw this on Twitter today and re-tweeted it. I didn't think much more than "Wow, how inspiring" at first glance.... but then it sank in a bit more.
Somehow we all have this big idea of what our life is supposed to look like. I am guilty of this in an extreme way. I am such a planner. I try to plan every little aspect of my life so that I am not caught off guard. I generally don't like surprises, unless it's something that fits into the box I've made for my life.
Life doesn't really fit into a box, though, does it? I mean, you can't plan the fact that you might get stopped at two extra red lights on your way to work. You can't plan that you might get in a car accident. You can't plan for a death, or to fall in love. You just can't plan everything, even though you (or I) may try. I'm still not sure how to go about changing this, but what seems like it would be logical for some reason isn't to me. It's almost a disconnect.... a control issue, I'm sure.
I feel like if I can just control all the little things in my life I can prevent them from going wrong. I know this isn't true. Bad things happen; things I will never be able to plan for. Good things happen too, though, and if I spend my time planning what I think my life should be I may just miss the good things.
Sure, I may spare myself some heartache and stress by planning ahead to prevent failure, but I'll miss the lesson along the way. How do I know what's around the corner? I don't! And if I keep trying to predict it, I may walk around the corner and stare the next big thing in my life right in the face without even realizing it.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
No one messes with my Jesus!
So tonight Zoe picked up this little card with a beautiful "castle" on it and asked who's card it was. I had totally forgotten it was sitting there.
A few days ago, some Mormon missionaries had stopped by my house to share with me a bit about their beliefs. I was polite and told them thank you for their concern, but that I simply did not agree with their beliefs. They invited me to their 20something group and wrote down their phone number on their information card and handed it to me. Rather than get into an apologetic debate with them, I thanked them for stopping by and wished them well and they were on their way.
Back to tonight..... Zoe found this card tonight and asked who's it was and what it was. I told her that missionaries had stopped by from the Mormon church. Then, of course, she asked what the Mormon church was. So I told her that they believe in God just like we do, but that they don't believe that Jesus was who we know he is. They believe that Jesus was just a prophet and that anyone can be the same as Jesus. Basically, they believe that Jesus was a god, but not the God. They also believe that anyone can become a god if they are righteous enough.
At this point, Zoe can hardly believe what she is hearing. What she did next made me want to laugh, although I knew I couldn't. She took the card, folded it up, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it, saying "No one messes with my Jesus!" How's that for apologetics!?!?
A few days ago, some Mormon missionaries had stopped by my house to share with me a bit about their beliefs. I was polite and told them thank you for their concern, but that I simply did not agree with their beliefs. They invited me to their 20something group and wrote down their phone number on their information card and handed it to me. Rather than get into an apologetic debate with them, I thanked them for stopping by and wished them well and they were on their way.
Back to tonight..... Zoe found this card tonight and asked who's it was and what it was. I told her that missionaries had stopped by from the Mormon church. Then, of course, she asked what the Mormon church was. So I told her that they believe in God just like we do, but that they don't believe that Jesus was who we know he is. They believe that Jesus was just a prophet and that anyone can be the same as Jesus. Basically, they believe that Jesus was a god, but not the God. They also believe that anyone can become a god if they are righteous enough.
At this point, Zoe can hardly believe what she is hearing. What she did next made me want to laugh, although I knew I couldn't. She took the card, folded it up, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it, saying "No one messes with my Jesus!" How's that for apologetics!?!?
No one messes with my Jesus!
So tonight Zoe picked up this little card with a beautiful "castle" on it and asked who's card it was. I had totally forgotten it was sitting there.
A few days ago, some mormon missionaries had stopped by my house to share with me a bit about thier beliefs. I was polite and told them thank you for thier concearn, but that I simply did not agree with their beliefs. They invited me to their 20something group and wrote down thier phone number on their information card and handed it to me. Rather than get into an apologetic debate with them, I thanked them for stopping by and wished them well and they were on their way.
Back to tonight..... Zoe found this card tonight and asked who's it was and what it was. I told her that missionaries had stopped by from the Mormon church. Then, of course, she asked what the mormon church was. So I told her that they believe in God just like we do, but that they don't believe that Jesus was who we know he is. They believe that Jesus was just a prophet and that anyone can be the same as Jesus. Basically, they believe that Jesus was a god, but not the God. They also believe that anyone can become a god if they are righteous enough.
At this point, Zoe can hardly believe what she is hearing. What she did next made me want to laugh, although I knew I couldn't. She took the card, folded it up, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it, saying "Noone messes with my Jesus!" How's that for apologetics!?!?
A few days ago, some mormon missionaries had stopped by my house to share with me a bit about thier beliefs. I was polite and told them thank you for thier concearn, but that I simply did not agree with their beliefs. They invited me to their 20something group and wrote down thier phone number on their information card and handed it to me. Rather than get into an apologetic debate with them, I thanked them for stopping by and wished them well and they were on their way.
Back to tonight..... Zoe found this card tonight and asked who's it was and what it was. I told her that missionaries had stopped by from the Mormon church. Then, of course, she asked what the mormon church was. So I told her that they believe in God just like we do, but that they don't believe that Jesus was who we know he is. They believe that Jesus was just a prophet and that anyone can be the same as Jesus. Basically, they believe that Jesus was a god, but not the God. They also believe that anyone can become a god if they are righteous enough.
At this point, Zoe can hardly believe what she is hearing. What she did next made me want to laugh, although I knew I couldn't. She took the card, folded it up, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it, saying "Noone messes with my Jesus!" How's that for apologetics!?!?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Grace's Daddy
I was watching the show “Saving Grace” tonight. I actually should’t say I was watching it. It’s more like I looked at the TV for the last 30 seconds of the show. I haven’t watched this show before, but from what I understand this show is about a messed up cop who talks to some old dude she thinks is God. Maybe he is actually supposed to be God… I’m not sure.
I didn't watch the whole show, but what I did see made me think. This woman was obviously drunk. She looked like crap. She was wearing only a men’s collared shirt and was sitting next to a man who was only in his underwear. I can only assume she put his clothes on after sex. They started kissing and then violently taking off each other’s clothes. The next scene was her sleeping alone on the couch. No one else was there. The man had obviously gotten his and gone home. The “God man” walked into the scene and picked her up and carried her to bed, like a daddy would for his little girl.
Like I said before, I’m not entirely sure what this “God man’s” role is in this show, but it really did remind me of God and what He would do. God meets us where we are, even in our darkest, most shameful place, and carried us to bed so that we can rest and recover and then wake up the next day to start again.
Now, Grace had been drinking that night. She may wake up tomorrow to start a new day and still feel the hangover from drinking the night before. She may wake up with pain, both physical and emotional. She will wake up, though, and it will be a new day.
I think this is what God intends for us. I feel like waking up the next morning with our symbolic “hangover” in life is necessary. God takes our shame away. He forgives us of our past. He doesn’t tell us to forget it, though. We should remember where we came from so that we never go back again.
We are meant to carry our past with us. This doesn’t mean that God is still holding our past against us, He isn’t. There are some scars that are good scars, though. Scars are more than just a good story to tell. They remind us of what not to do, what roads not to take. We may not get all of the answers from these scars. They may not tell us where to go in life, but they will tell us where not to go.
How wonderful is it, though, that we have a Daddy who is willing to pick us up and carry us to bed every night? In one way or another, we all need Him to carry us to bed every night, so that we can rest and recover and start again tomorrow.
Just my thoughts tonight……….
I didn't watch the whole show, but what I did see made me think. This woman was obviously drunk. She looked like crap. She was wearing only a men’s collared shirt and was sitting next to a man who was only in his underwear. I can only assume she put his clothes on after sex. They started kissing and then violently taking off each other’s clothes. The next scene was her sleeping alone on the couch. No one else was there. The man had obviously gotten his and gone home. The “God man” walked into the scene and picked her up and carried her to bed, like a daddy would for his little girl.
Like I said before, I’m not entirely sure what this “God man’s” role is in this show, but it really did remind me of God and what He would do. God meets us where we are, even in our darkest, most shameful place, and carried us to bed so that we can rest and recover and then wake up the next day to start again.
Now, Grace had been drinking that night. She may wake up tomorrow to start a new day and still feel the hangover from drinking the night before. She may wake up with pain, both physical and emotional. She will wake up, though, and it will be a new day.
I think this is what God intends for us. I feel like waking up the next morning with our symbolic “hangover” in life is necessary. God takes our shame away. He forgives us of our past. He doesn’t tell us to forget it, though. We should remember where we came from so that we never go back again.
We are meant to carry our past with us. This doesn’t mean that God is still holding our past against us, He isn’t. There are some scars that are good scars, though. Scars are more than just a good story to tell. They remind us of what not to do, what roads not to take. We may not get all of the answers from these scars. They may not tell us where to go in life, but they will tell us where not to go.
How wonderful is it, though, that we have a Daddy who is willing to pick us up and carry us to bed every night? In one way or another, we all need Him to carry us to bed every night, so that we can rest and recover and start again tomorrow.
Just my thoughts tonight……….
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